afraid.

昨天，我很有興致地去看一些朋友的部落格。多數是很久沒聯絡的朋友。

有些是手集團，沒有什麼特別關係的人。有些是好朋友的部落格，也有些是被遺忘的舊網頁。

發現我今年好像忽略了很多人，少了很多溝通。

讓我困擾的是，我才發現我少了很多依賴。

昨天臨晨兩點鐘，我睡不著。

滿腦子想的是錢的問題。

我不知道該不該厚著臉皮向人借錢，還是去借我一直不想要的貸款。

媽問我為什麼不要，其實我不想被約束。我不想還沒畢業就一身債。

當然，跟認識的人借欠的不只是錢，還有人情。

我不甘，因為看見自己的親哥哥有老爸還大學學費，還有媽媽的員工遇上一個說幫他付所有學費的陌生人。

媽媽說認命吧，因為老爸和乾媽都在這個時候離開了。

還有三個月就開學了，我在煩惱要怎麼交出第一學期的學費。

媽好像沒有很擔心我學費的問題，但她不知道我為這躲在房間哭了多少次。

我該怎麼辦

Lastly,...

昨天散场时，我总感到空虚落寞。顯然地，我不怎麼重要。
昨天早上，我挑了一件相對潔白，相對貼身的校服上最後一天的學校。當然這應該不是最後一天回去那地獄式的學校，只是沒有機會再穿校服了。所以，昨天我想讓自己看起來好看一些。我和家人早上去了一趟亨記，是一家老字號叉燒面鋪，吃了早餐過後就考試去。
那天異常的寧靜，才發現我樂觀地對待任何事，但對某些事情並不一定管用。早上，我做了萬全的準備，但對某些事根本白搭；後來，我掉下了傷心的眼淚，但對某些事情一樣沒輒。因为看不見有人站在對面月台微笑著揮手的電影畫面，或留下任何愛的線索。只有一片空寂，無限的哀戚。我不了解我的寂寞來自何方，但是我真的感到寂寞。我說服我自己，生命中，不斷的有人離開或進入。我是最普通的那個，所以沒有人有不捨的感覺。
此刻，我清楚了解，我已經不屬於這裡。是該換個環境，適應它。我有好多事情想做，但力不從心。大家可能不會再見，因為我害怕那個時候大家聊的話題我會聽不懂。我會害怕那個時候我會後悔。也害怕大家對彼此的感覺已不在。

欣慰的是，一個傻傻的好朋友給了我一個擁抱，現在想起來還是會想哭，

她是許芷欣。

還有一個和我一起出生入死的好朋友發了一封祝福我的短信，現在還很想跟她聚在一起，

她是邱麗玲。

走過的日子，不斷的累積。恐怕會漸漸地抓不住回憶尾巴。想讓文章來做回憶的記事本…現在，我要記下曾經的年少，曾經的快樂、悲傷，曾經的你和我..

我親愛的邱麗玲，出生入死的好搭檔
我親愛的梅敏儀，超級啪啵的小孩子
我親愛的陳劼恩，偶爾成熟的小妹妹
我親愛的陳榮森，不發脾氣的好隊長
我親愛的侯啟宇，吊人胃口的大男人
我親愛的林可韻，迷迷糊糊的大主席
我親愛的黃信衡，吊兒郎當的小弟弟
我親愛的劉俊儐，不負責任的壞男孩
我親愛的高立峰，懵懵懂懂的新隊長
我親愛的張承彥，超級韓國的傻女孩
我親愛的胡嘉敏，非常小隻的乖小孩
我親愛的李國蘭，麻煩牢騷的老女人

我那班的鄭文意，忽冷忽熱的好朋友
我那班的林慧婷，愛好一樣的好姐妹
我那班的楊俐璇，頂不順你的好小牛
我那班的王思雯，常常憂傷的好兄弟
我那班的譚詠浩，愛情不順的好姐妹
我那班的劉力華，暗戀三年的傻男生
我那班的許芷欣，天真可愛的好姐妹
我那班的胡政揚，嘴巴花花的花心漢
我那班的凌詠佩，一起跳舞的好搭檔
我那班的彭夕雯，單純可愛的大傻瓜
我那班的陳瑜雯，嬌小玲瓏的小院長
我那班的石季欣，冷酷無情的大女人

謝謝你們的耐心閱讀
虽然荒唐，不堪,但希望這篇文章不會是0留言。:)

写到这里，按下publish post 过后，我相信心情会大好一些。
句号。

special you'

benjamin

15岁,

跟我相处了15个月

常让我哭笑不得

我喜欢他的眼睛，因为他的眼睛最美了
他很坏，常把我咬得整身伤，但我还是很喜欢他 :)

他，是个非常可爱的小孩
跟他在一起，我很有安全感
他总是能够在我身边，听我说话
是个非常可靠的男孩

'亲爱的'成为我对他最亲密的昵称

但他从来不这么叫我

我是最近才发现，我真的很爱他

ben :)

4/11

Today , i woke up at 6.15am , as usual .
But when I notice it was having a heavy rain , the first thing I do is looking for my timetable.Well , today's class was boring. 2 period of Manderin , 2period of English , 1period of relief class.
I told mum don't go to school today.
Not like some of my friends' mum , my mum doesn't force my to go.
ha
So , I returned to bed.

I've been studying for 3hours. Now surfing internet for some university information.
I'm lucky to have so many people to help me.
My drumming coach and a well-known performing art teacher 孙春美老师 , My form teacher also
Everything is going well now.

And my final result also.
Since when I got in top10 in my class.
I think is junior 1 that time. So surprise that I'm in the ninth place with the average result 68.22.
I don't think I'm good. It was just luck.

Dinner alone again.
Thx god.
gotta continue study after meal.

8 days

Finally , left 8days in school. I've decided very clearly, I'm not gonna continue my senior study . I'm not gonna take UEC . Good bye.
I fled , actually.
It's amazing , really , how fast a senior 2 study is over . With the anticipation of living school , all the tension and excitement during my high school life, I kind of expect it to last for another few months instead of 8days. I won't plan to end it with a sad fair-well. Since everything going normal , and , normal. Don't make it through with a sad way. But I still kinda hope there could have a commemorative gathering before I step out the last step of Tsun Jin High School. Cruelly , I won't change my decision though you guys egged me to stay-back . Not mean I doesn't care at all , I really love you guys .

Good bye. Just love me for another 8days.

mufffffiin!!

Today ,  I made muffin myself. Without anyone's help. =]

Erm.. this is some procedure pic-

sift the flour and cocoa powder

cook the chocolate and butter, well , it looks not nice.

bake it!!!! at 180 'c

thats its! xD

erm...the recipe is chocolate walnut muffin.

but what I've made is looks like mocha muffin.

I don't really like it.

ha.

Haven't study yet.

girls.

Woe to the bloody city!
It is all full of lies and predation.
Its prey departeth not!
U sure don't know who am I talking about
ha


should listen to my fren
wenyi , ahmooong , xin and others
stop drinking cold water!
today my life was miserable, can't do anything at all.
Can't even sleep also
My stomach was very pain, fuck that bloody period
Poor girls, every month few days like this.

this is it

this is it

I don't know what

sep2011

Today is the last day of  SEP. Lets flashback n see :

02/09/2011
Go eat room eighteen with family
bro brought an amazing coupon on MyDeal
6 dishes: shark fin,  dessert , fried rice , deer meat (mum n i dont eat><) , hongkong milk tea , veg, prawn.
only cost RM 39!!!!  and the normal price is RM103!!!

the same day, bro oso buy me a headphone!!
weird brother, he seldom buy me present
but he said is bcoz he saw this very cheap in the IT fair
sennheiser cx 280 : normal price: RM189 (the price i saw on9)
thn my bro buy ard RM50  @@

03/09/2011


Miriam yeong Ladies and Gentlemen concert in genting

with Zhixin, LF and Quan.

 sooo blur..

Mooncake Festival
This year was special.
Mum buy many mooncake
Thn she said suddenly want to eat @@

Benjamin Pan  (Ban ban)
His birthday oso on 12/09/2011
Same day wif mooncake fest

stupid cat go n play candle..

 Thn....burn his hands n gt candle on it

his new t-shirt!! xD

not much picture on SEP.  got alot at shinno thr.

share next time~

Finish trial exam,  coming up next is test. and final exam =[

Hope everythg going well xD

flash!!

Flash!!!
Times goes sooooooo fast.
Day after tomorrow,  I might start my journey alone.
For trial exam, for exam, and . . exam..
Hope all these stuff can gone fast but successfully.

Yesterday night, I nearly throw all my sejarah notes, text book and those exercise practice.  Damm mad and disappointed of myself.  I thought I study and review for soooo long might have a good result in the exercise.   But!  only correct less than 25/40 ,  some only 15+. lol. . .
Have to put more efford =]

Today go to 'cee chiong gai' with mum brought my favorite -

Durian Puff!!!!

LIKE!

Time's up. go study.

bless me.

maybe lost.

oh gosh.
I'm fucking afraid.
I thought I found a place to go.But I duno how.
Anyone guide me?

writing.

'Writing is a lonely profession, so thank you to all of the people who keep me company along the way.'

-Jonathan Tropper

Well, writing is always a good way to express oneself or communicate with people nicely.
I'm seriously against my revision this holiday, it doesn't seems like me though.
I've found my way to go, so well preparation is what I should do now.
Recently I'm writing my own notes and rereading it. Study was not that hard!
Just to avoid studying in front of the TV or computer, because in order to study properly you have to have a quiet and empty space.Meaning no noise that's distracting =]
A fortnight countdown to trial exam.
Don't give up please！

study.

“我不想.可是需要”
跟妈妈谈了很多次，结论都一样。
没有结果
坦白说，我是想离开的
对自己的年龄没有安全感
觉得自己很快就会老去
有人说现在学习是为了让自己增值
所以总觉得在这个学校
一直在原地踏步，学不到什么
读书，到底为了什么?


当然，会舍不得一些东西…
可是很意外，那不会是联课
进入这个阶段的好像不只是我
好像是个程序
一开始，你会很热爱
爱到吃饭睡觉都会想它
爱到上课都会想它
慢慢地，很反感
因为自己背上了责任大背包
也因为学到的东西不一样了
要求得太完美，辛苦的是自己
现在终于可以放手了


自私一点
我觉得还好
因为这个时候我该宠爱自己多一些了
不会看你们了
庆幸昨天是快乐的


接下来
我该为自己努力
该安排明年的事务了






希望一切顺利。

想回来这里写帖子

因为在这里看我日记的

应该是个不错的朋友 =]

lost.

这里想要走

但该走去哪里?

不知道…

可是我知道…

走了之后，就没办法再回来

说不出的快活

心里有好多说不出的东西

想写..怎么都不知道该怎么写

想分享..不知谁会与我同在..哈

2011年..什么都变了~我变了,变到什么都可以算了

变得跟朋友很好了，但也变到容易忽略工作。忽略责任

当然也忽略很多人。

特别想珍惜现在拥有的，尤其是朋友

今年过后，哪里还能找到这种感觉?

从hands集训营回来过后

发现所有的事情，都很神奇
说不出话来，也很神奇

你们也很神奇

让我最近很快乐

♥